Peace

I am so excited to go home tomorrow morning! The Lord has prepared me. My family fasted for me this past weekend and I am absolutely feeling the effects of that. I still have to remind myself to take a deep breath every few minutes, but the peace and calm I'm feeling is incredible. I know that being home isn't going to immediately make everything better. It is going to be a healing process and it may feel extremely slow and excruciating at times. Though I pray that as I return home and am surrounded and interacting with my loved ones that I may have a greater sense of wholeness. I feel very broken. I also feel that Heavenly Father had given me those whom I love so dearly as well as wonderful doctors to be the Savior's hands as I am lovingly mended and again made whole. I am excited for the day when I will be complete and healed by the resurrection of My Savior, Jesus Christ. Until that tomorrow comes I can still seek and feel His peace. I am grateful for God's patience and immediate goodness.

2 Hours later

Sister Barnes (STL while in Jacksonville)

Sister Farnsworth (STL while in Jacksonville and in Pinehurst District with me at the beginning of my mission. She trained Sister Wiley in Southern Pines)

Sister Kennedy (from St. George. She went to High School with Ben and I. Was on Ben's debate team. I didn't know her super well, but she saw me at the mission conference with Elder Holland and told me she loved my performance in Aida. What a small world. I was always so excited to see her.)

(left to right) Sister Binger, Sister Hayward, Hermana Daniel and me

I had the wonderful opportunity to spend the day with Sister Binger, Hayward, and Hermana Daniel. Sister Hayward and Daniel are still in training and Sister Binger is one transfer out.  As we were driving to the post office Sister Hayward said, "Sister Wastlund, can I ask you something?" "Of course Sister!". She then asked in the sweetest voice, "Is your anxiety more of an inside feeling? Because every time I have been with you I feel so much peace." My heart was so full. Heavenly Father was answering my prayer.
"Sister Hayward, thank you for asking that. Months ago I pleaded with Heavenly Father that no matter how dark or hopeless I felt on the inside, because of certain imbalances that i can't control, that I would still be able to exude light and inspire others to look toward Christ. Now I know that He has been answering that prayer all along." I looked back to Sister Hayward and tears were streaming down her face.
"I don't know why I'm crying," she said, "I'm just gong to miss you."
Later we were able to go serve at Raleigh Rescue and as we were walking in Sister Lindie Bell (former companion) and Sister Madison Clark(friend from St. George) were walking out. It was absolutely a tender mercy from my sweet Heavenly Father to embrace them once more. Oh, how I love these wonderful women.
After service we returned to the mission office for personal study. We all kind of spread out through the Relief Society room and then Sister Binger (her boyfriend served with Ben) came over and whispered, "Can I sit by you?" It is those precious moments that I treasure. These sweet sisters are such a strength to me. I truly find so much joy in loving others.
After personal study Sister Hayward and Daniel  asked if we could do a training study.
We prayed together. Stated our purpose and Doctrine and Covenants section 4 and then read the attributes section in the missionary handbook.
I then felt inspired to ask if we could read the Christlike attribute of Charity in Preach My Gospel. These sweet sisters then began asking me questions about charity and love and the Spirit overwhelmed me. There are so many reasons I am needing to go home at this time and one of them was to be with these 3 sisters. I shared my experience of the Spirit teaching me that I also am one of God's children whom I need to have charity towards. It was so powerful to testify of this truth while also living as an example of that truth.
Our eyes all filled with tears as we lifted one another. At one point Sister Hayward asked, "Sister Wastlund, what is your personal study usually like?...I never uplifted by mine...I feel like I always have to study for my people...I feel guilty when I study for myself." I felt like I was hearing myself speaking to Sister Denning only 2 months ago. I was now able to help her. " Sister Hayward, I've begun to realize that if I take time to study for myself I find that it ties directly into what the others you are teaching need. They need your conviction to your Savior so take the time to grow your love for Him and His gospel.
You are one of your people." Furthermore we are each one of the people whom God is teaching. We are taught most often through prayer, experience, and study.
I then felt inspired to ask each of them when or how their IDEAS OR BELIEFS about the Savior start to change into a RELATIONSHIP with Him. Sister Binger shared her recent conversion story. Sister Hayward and Daniel shared how their relationship with their brothers changed their relationship with their Brother Jesus Christ. As they spoke a line from my thoughts on Christ poem came to mind, "My Brother, Best Friend, and Healer Divine desires for glory to one day be mine". To end I read them that poem and we closed by kneeling in prayer together. I noticed that Sister Binger mentioned each of the sisters names individually, praying for their specific needs. She prayed that Sister Hayward would be guided by the Spirit as she sought to improve her personally study, that she may be better uplifted. What strong, gentle, and courageous and women of God.

7 hours later

I want to record / share what the Spirit/President Holland told me during my exit interview/prayer/priesthood blessing: (sidenote) I had never talked with President Holland about Ben prior to these few days. Yet the majority of my final interview President Holland was asking me about Ben and, it felt like, giving me his blessing. 

• I bless you with the gift of discernment and revelation with your beautiful relationship with Ben. Making sure it is the right choice before making a permanent decision. (warming witness)
• President: This is what I tell my children about their future spouse. They need to...
1. Love the Lord.
2. Be crazy about you!
3. Work hard.
Me: Got it President!
• President: Now is Ben worthy of you?
Me: Yes President.
President:  Okay, just making sure because my bar for my sisters is high.
• I bless you that you may be filled with peace and comfort as you go about your travels tomorrow, that nothing will trigger any anxious or depressive feelings until you are safely in the care of your loved ones. I bless you to know that the Holy Ghost, Himself, will be by your side the entire way.
• I bless you that you may remain chaste leading up to marriage. Set boundaries as feelings will be increasing.
• I bless you to continue your scripture studies and stay close to the Lord now and forever.
• I bless you that your signing ability will increase steadily. This will be a gift and skill that you will use often in the work of the Lord.  I bless you to always know that your most important duty is as a wife and mother.
• I bless you that you will be led to the right doctors and that the doctors may be able to help you.

• The Triangle of True Conversion. 1. Pray, communicate with your Heavenly Father 2. Study the Scriptures 3. Wear and treasure the temple garment. 

• I bless you with confidence and strength to take on any questions or confrontations about your situation. I bless you that you will not feel the need to defend your situation. 

• You have the full support and blessing of the brethren and furthermore the Lord.